Saturday, March 22, 2008

Transformations

Less than a week ago, I had my second foray into the world of tattooing. This time my artist was Lunchbox of New Life Tattoos. He created 3 exquisite butterflies on my shoulder, 2 black and white Asian style and 1 colored Asian style, each with an initial to stand for a something important to me. This second tattoo was more painful -- but I'm still going back for more at a future time! The pain helped me reflect, though, on the symbolism of the butterflies: transformation.

I chose butterflies for the numerous twists and turns and transformations my life has taken over the years -- from childhood into adolescence through college years, young adulthood, various jobs/careers, relationships, struggles, spiritual discoveries, family trials, and learning experiences. These last several months have been a transformational experience, indeed, so the marque seemed a perfect way of signifying the crossroads of my life and the transformational nature of the past year. Ironically, after years of working hard to transform my expectations of relationships and to change my ways of relating to other people, just when I've begun to interact in healthier, more natural ways -- I had an experience this week that puts me back, if not to square one, at least into an attitude of shattered trust. Sometimes transformations go in the opposite direction, too. Regression, it's often called -- which is a much less positive step.

Trust is such a fragile thread, to be guarded and nurtured. I've always held onto my thread so closely because of early life experiences. When I moved to Illinois, I began to let go just a little and my relationships started to deepen in ways I never dreamed was possible. I've had a few major setbacks, but generally I've continued to move forward and trust in healthy ways. This past week has been so devastating, though, that I begin to doubt if building new relationships is worth the risks. I will try to move forward, though, and continue reading What Happy Women Know by Dan Baker to find the secret of transformational living.

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